I don't even know where to start with this. Just thinking about addressing you fills me with so much rage and disgust and hurt. I can physically feel my emotions surrounding you. As I am writing this I feel my heart pounding, I feel my throat tightening, and I feel my stomach turning. I don't want to write to you. I don't want to give you the time of day. I want to be done with you, and never look back. But you keep popping up in my dreams, and the nightmares are exhausting. I would say I hate you but mama told me to never hate anyone but the devil so I try not to say that, if just out of respect for her. It infuriates me that I even feel such strong emotions towards you. I wish I could say that you have no hold on me. I don't want you to have power over me. But, because I haven't processed my emotions, you do.

I never got to tell you how I felt. I never got to yell at you. I never told you that I thought you're a slimy coward that doesn't deserve me or someone as awesome as Katrina seems to be. I didn't get to tell you that I wish I could take back all the unconditional love I gave you. I supported you endlessly. I put up with so much bullshit from you. And I was so gentle. I pushed you to finish epicodus when you were ready to quit. I got you to get into the shower when you hadn't left the house in a week. I convinced you to eat when you were so depressed that you didn't want to (and I paid for almost all of our food/groceries for like a year, by the way).

You never gave me presents. In two years you didn't get me a real birthday present. You didn't once buy me flowers. You never made me feel special, or worth an extra thought. You made me feel less interesting than video games. You lied to me repeatedly about what you were doing, and showed me that I wasn't worth the truth.
I think the thing that makes me most angry is the fact that I was mistreated throughout our relationship, and yet in the end you are the one who left me. I gave and gave and loved unconditionally, and you left me without a backwards glance. How humiliating. I hate myself for being so weak. I was your doormat.

I have so much self loathing for letting myself be used by you.

Your face fills me with fury. I hate your easy smile, like nothing matters because you are Kyle Fucking Boe and you will get away with it. You haven't faced a goddamn consequence in your life.

My only comfort is knowing that I am a stronger, more loyal, more loving, and more authentic person than you can ever dream of being. I am so glad I dodged the bullet of spending the rest of my life with you. Good riddance

For a while now I have told you that I love you. And, indeed, I have loved you. I have loved getting to know you and learning about you. I have loved experiencing your care and tenderness. I have loved laughing with you and talking with you and crying with you and making love to you. I have even loved the hard times when my anxiety has made me afraid. I have loved every part of it.

Now, I feel a new kind of love growing inside me. Some might describe it as familiarity, but that label is far to basic and doesn't begin to portray what I mean. I am beginning to experience the kind of deep love that comes from really knowing someone.
I am getting to the point where I can read your expressions and see on your eyes what you are feeling, even if you haven't spoken those feelings yet. I can anticipate how you might respond to the things that I say; what little Lucas saying might come out in reply to my ridiculous jokes. I think my favorite part of this new stage of our relationship is the fact that when I sleep alone in my bed I can close my eyes and know exactly how it would feel if you were next to me. I can see the shape of you in front of me. I can feel your skin under my lips as I kiss your back. I can feel your strong arm and the curve of your waist as I gently run my hand over you. I remember exactly where my head fits between your shoulder blades. I can smell you in front of me, and yet it doesn't torture me. It brings me comfort. It comforts me to know you. To be known by you. To be in relationship with you. To know that you aren't going anywhere, and I'm not either.

The beginning of a relationship is fun, don't get me wrong. It's passionate and emotional and exciting. But, if I'm being honest, this is my favorite part. The part where we get to be fully known by one another and be fully accepted, and just rest in that blissful place.

I love you, Lucas.

Echoes in the Darkness

I haven't wanted to write because I haven't known what to say. I feel like I have so much to say, but I am also out of words. I have so much feeling that I don't know what to do with.

It feels like rolling thunder in my chest, low and ominous and threatening. It feels like tigers roaring and threatening and protecting what they have left. It feels like a child silently crying in her closet where she cant be found. It feels like the goddess Nike letting out a cry of victory as she spreads her wings and soars. It feels like the steady drip drip drip of a neglected faucet.

I guess I am out of words, but I still have sounds.

I have the noises that I desperately want to release, but I have neither the audience nor the strength to do them justice.

So here I sit, and the only sound I make is the click click click of the keys as I put down these pathetic words. They aren't enough but they are all I have.

And yet maybe they are enough, because now I can breathe.