I feel like I might explode.  I want to yell and scream at you and shake you until your realize that tearing us apart is crazy.  The worst thing is that doing any of those things would just reaffirm your decision to leave me here.  You think I am too dependent upon you, and my breaking heart just proves you right.  How is it fair that the reason I want to be with you so badly is the same reason you won't take me?  What is love if its not allowed to be a little passionate and crazy and wild and free?  I don't want a controlled love where I am completely independent and stable and perfectly fine without you.  I want to be somewhat dependent upon you.  I thought that's what a relationship is.  Does that make me so messed up?

I hate that I can't share these thoughts with you.  I can't be honest with you, because doing so would just be counterproductive to my desires.  But honestly, how are you going to feel when I am ready to share the thoughts you think you want to hear?  Do you really want to hear me tell you that now I think I am fine without you?  That I don't need you anymore?  That I am strong and independent and I know who I am and where I am going, and all that is independent of you? Is that really what you want?

I don't really know how you are supposed to start one of these things. Honestly, I feel pretty silly since the only person I intend to share this with is Kyle.  I don't even really know what I plan on writing about.  All I know is that I need to write.

I need to start to think and feel and explore again.  I have had my head down for a long time.  I work and I sleep and I eat and sometimes I spend time with those I love. But mostly I just work and sleep and eat and keep my head down.  I don't want to have my head down anymore.  I am strong enough now to open my eyes and let myself see and touch and embrace and interact with the world around me.  God didn't intend for me to live a passive life.

I am absolutely terrified for the year ahead.  Undoubtedly it will be full of countless changes, just like this past year has been.  The difference is this coming year I am going to have to face some of those changes on my own.  Kyle is going away.  My sense of safety and belonging and home is being moved a thousand miles away.  This next year I am going to have to fight a lot of my own battles.  He will still be there for me, but its time I reawaken and regain some of my independence.  It will be good; but as with most things in life, you have to go through some suffering and pain and fear in order to grow.

Just like I didn't know how to start this post, I have no idea how I am supposed to end it. I do think I have said all I want to for today though.  Hmmm..... This blog is pretty much a metaphor for my life right now: I have no fucking clue what I am doing.  Sweet.